I know I’m going to regret making this page, but here goes nothing.

Not many people know this about, I used to be a self harmer, and possibly depressed. Now before you continue, I honestly don’t believe my case was anything serious&you probably don’t care. But I just need to get this off my chest.

All through elementary school I was overweight. I had “friends”, but I was always made fun of. I was upset with my appearance, I was upset with who I was, I was upset with the everything. I’ve had the lowest self-esteem since then, and even now, nothing can change that, I’ve just been scared to a point that I can’t be fixed.

In middle school I went through the biggest change of my life. I lost all my weight out of nowhere. I started listening to different music; I went from kiddy pop to rock. I got my hair cut, and got bangs that cover half my face. But even though I lost the weight, even though people didn’t make fun of me anymore, I was still unhappy. In fact I was even more unhappy with my life and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. The fact that I was alone finally set in. 

To all my friends from school, this might be a shock, or not, I don’t know… But even though I had you guys, I still felt alone. I was sure even my closest friends would judge me. Just recently did I tell them, and they’re there for me now.

I’m not sure, but I think I started to cut myself in 7th grade. They weren’t deep, I would use a small blade from a broken pencil sharper. I’m going to spare the details. I cut when I felt alone, when my parents were upset with me, when I was angry… At some point I became suicidal, I tried killing myself quite a few times.  Sometimes I would pray, beg, plead not to wake up in the morning. I don’t know why I felt this way, I’m not gonna lie and pretend like my life was a miserable hell hole, cause it wasn’t, I was a private schoolgirl with a lot of friends, a nice house and all.

At some point I also began to starve myself or throw up after eating. That didn’t last for more than 3 months, I stopped. So it was basically nothing. Thought I’d just mention that.

My parents never found out, no one did, about the throwing up, about the cuts, trying to kill myself. If anyone saw the cuts, I would give a lame excuse, and they’d just let it go, no matter how unlikely the excuse was. I promise you, my cuts weren’t bad at all. My self harm wasn’t bad at all, because I was able to get over it myself. Kinda.

I haven’t cut since about 9th grade. My self harming though hasn’t stopped. It has calmed down, I don’t cut, but I do use rubber bands, or scratch using my nails.  Mostly my arms, but I only do it when I get very upset. The last time I scratched hard enough to leave a scar was last year, in the summer of this year. I still have scars from the scratches from 2 years ago, going from my shoulder down to my elbow. I still do it, I know I shouldn’t but my body get itchy when I’m in the mood and I get so angry that I do it.  I beg that no one do this, it’s just a terrible thing… That’s pretty much it.